I know there is always His timing. I have waited quite awhile for this. For one because I wasn’t ready. For the other, I just knew it wasn’t His timing.
It’s been almost 3 years since it all happened. I knew that I was to contest. I knew deep in my Spirit, although I didn’t quite understand the ‘why’s’. And then the divorce was final in December of last year. God knew. He knew that it would need to be a 2 1.2 year process for me and the kids. It was like a tornado came in. Knocked the breath out of me, and then left as quickly as it came. I had no idea. I tried so hard to be obedient even though I didn’t udnerstand. I stood for what I knew He asked me to do. Others didn’t understand, and all I could say was I was going to trust and believe. That when the time was right, He would speak clealy as He always did, otherwise, I was going to stand still and wait on Him. And there were times where I didn’t want to do it anymore. There were days where my heart literally was going to beat out of my chest. I couldn’t sleep or eat, yet I knew He was sustaining me. Giving me the grace.
It was a time of chaos, intense warfare (and still is) grief, heartache, and loss. And yet, it was also a time of growth and total trust and dependence on the Lord. With a faith that developed perseverance. And through that faith and dependence, a newness and growth in me that was amazing. I had to depend on family, true friends (as many didn’t know any of the situation that was going on) I didn’t want everyone knowing. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, all the other emotions that come with it, yet wanting to show respect for those directly affected by it, as I so loved each of them dearly. I felt lost, almost like I was wandering aimlessly throughout my days. But deep inside, I knew. I knew that He was never going to leave me or forsake me. He was never going to leave or forsake my kids. His Word was clear on that. But I was desperate. Desperate to keep things together. Myself, to be strong and brave. The things that seem so ‘little’ are so HUGE to our God. He did so many amazing things…..
I found myself needing a job. Working full time with two kids. It was all an adjustment for me and for them. Our world had been turned upside down. Inside out. And yet, so many people, the true friends, were there. Praying, interceding, offering to help. I went through a time of withdrawal (a trait I have come to realize I have when I am stressed, not wanting to deal) and at times I didn’t. I was able to do some counseling before and throughout this whole process. It was good to just talk about it. And sometimes just grieve through it. At times it was all I could do to breathe, much less get out of bed. I had the Lord. He stood when I couldn’t. He was my Rock. He provided a good job, with amazing friends, some of who are my closest. He gave me a best friend, who He brought during this season, and who is now my best friend. They were patient when I was all over the place at once, forgetting things, needing to talk, being withdrawn. The joy was lost. I was walking through this fire, this season of uncertainty.
I had a conversation with God. It was hard, it was not fun at all. I was not mad. I didn’t understand, but I was not mad. I did get ANGRY, but it was more at the situation. Some of the circumstances that took place that were out of my control. He would gentlly remind me that it is Himself that will take care of that. HE was protecting my kids. He spoke clearly in so many ways. He made Himself real in so many ways throughout this process. If I would just be obedient and trust, and be still and know that HE is God, He will tell me when to move forward. And that He would take care of my heart. Throughout the whole process of the past few years, He was preparing my heart. He was molding me and stretching me. And this past year, about a month after it was final, He said clearly, ‘Kara, it’s okay. You have done well. I’m proud of you. You have run the race. You have gone through the fire to the other side. You can move on’. And there was such a renewed vigor and newness to it. I was excited to see WHERE God was leading me. I had no regrets. I knew that I had done what He had asked. I stood. For my husband, for my family, for His glory. And the result….well, part 2 is coming up…..