Sometimes I feel like there are so many thoughts in my head, I don’t know how to process through it all. I’ve spent the weekend seeking, literally crying out to my God for strength, renewed hope, and a renewed faith. I have walked this journey for a few years now. It’s not finished yet, however, I’ve learned so much through the journey. I know as I continue to walk this out there will be things I will see now, and some things I won’t see or understand until later. He doesn’t give us more than we can bear, good or bad.
I had a dear friend who called me a few years ago. We go back when we were in high school and had a youth group and her and Micah and a few others led worship. Although we don’t talk all the time, she is a friend I know that prays and is in tune to the Spirit. She called out of the blue and just said that she had had a dream where I was clutching my Bible, desperate, yet looking back at the situation that looked dim. At that time, we had had our second miscarriage, and I just thought, yeah, that’s what that is for….now looking back, I know that this is yet another journey He’s put me in and I can say that I am clinging desperately to His Word, to His truth, to His promises no matter what comes.
This weekend has been harder than many in the past few months. My heart has felt like it was going to come right out of my chest. I don’t know about you, but I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced it like I have the past few years. I have wanted to be strong for so long, for myself and my babies. I knew if I started, I wouldn’t stop. It would come like a gush, a river. It didn’t this weekend,but I got a glimpse of it…I know that day will come soon when I least expect it. There will be a time when I won’t be strong and it’s okay, and I will be table to say what He has put it in my heart to say. He has been equipping me for this for awhile now.
I was reminded about belief this weekend. About having that faith and asking, and then BELIEVING. If there isn’t belief, it’s hard to have faith. The Holy Spirit has so been working in and through me to be able to do what He has called me to do in this season. His hand has been in our every day, our thoughts, our struggles, our weakness, and our grief. It’s so hard to describe, but one day, I will be able to get all these thoughts in my head into words. A book maybe. God has so many ecxiting things…of what I don’t know. But there is a new season ahead, one of renewal, refreshing, redemetpion and restoration. I’m not through the fire yet. It would’ve been nice to walk around, yet if we dont’ walk through the fire, then we don’t get to show others His glory, how He allowed us to walk through and not get burned. How He so desires your willingness to stand and delcare His promises, to not give up no matter what is said or done, no matter how it looks from the outside in.
HE is greater than our deepest need, HE gives grace to forgive, in HIM we find who we truly are, HE is God.